Selfish Suicides
by The Dark Knight's Revenge
Summary: "Sometimes," he says quietly, "it isn't easy to be with you." He looks away. I feel my breath choke me, and turn to punch the open button on the elevator, running away down the hall as soon as the doors spring open. Is this what Al had felt before he jumped? Tris reacts differently to Tobias' words in the elevator, can he rescue her before she does something stupid?


"Sometimes," he says quietly, "it isn't easy to be with you, Tris." He looks away.

I want to tell him that I know it's not easy, but I wouldn't have made it through the past week without him. But I just stare at him, my heart pounding in my ears.

I can't tell him I need him. I can't need him, period - or really, we can't need each other, because who knows how long either of us will last in this war?

I feel an apology bubble in my throat, but somewhere between my vocal chords and my lips it gets stuck, and suddenly I'm choking, tears spilling down my face.

I turn and punch the open button on the elevator, hurling myself through the door as soon as it opens.

Tobias yells something after me, but the blood is pounding too heavily in my ears again.

I run down the monochromatic hallways until I find a staircase, and begin running up the stairs. Unlike my ascent this morning, I'm pushing myself to hard, too fast.

The floors fly by; my legs begin to shake, I can't breathe anymore. I push myself even harder, once again using pain to distract myself from pain.

Somewhere between the twenty-fourth and twenty-fifth floors, something happens. Suddenly I'm going backwards instead of forwards. The winding stairs in front and above my head swirl, and I feel like I'm floating.

I land heavily, rolling down another flight. Whatever air that was in my lungs exits with a loud whoosh. My bad arm twists under me as I roll, but I do nothing to stop myself, nothing to ease the pain.

The spiralling staircases above me spin wildly and my vision flickers. Everything hurts.

I let out a shaky breath.

Then I begin to cry.

This isn't the silent crying I've been doing all my life. It isn't the noisy open mouthed drooling kind either. It's hopeless sobs that make my body shake in a scary way. I've never cried like this before, ever.

And I don't try to stop it.

I lay on the landing for a very long time, just letting my emotions out.

Predictably, Christina and... Four have turned their backs on me. My brother and Susan are back at the compound. My parents are dead. I no longer have a home, or a faction, or anything.

I am an orphan.

The word burns into my mind and I curl into a ball, ignoring the pain the movement caused. My sobs just turn into breathless spasms, the walls closing in on me.

Orphan.

Suddenly I hear steps below me. I push myself up, untwisting my sore and now numb right arm, cradling it to my chest as I push myself further upwards, trying to get to the roof. I don't want to wait around for some Candor official to escort me downstairs and put me with... them.

I push away the image of Christina and Tobias' silent faces and focus on making it up the next few flights of stairs.

The footsteps continue to follow me, quicker now. I speed up my pace, muscles screaming in protest.

Finally, I see the end. A door leading to the roof. I barrel my way out and fall, gasping, onto the paved roof. The cement stings my hands as I lay there, but it makes no difference to me. The pain in my body is only a distraction from the pain on the inside.

The weak twilight cooled my bruised and battered body. I lay again in silence.

_Is this how Al felt? _I found myself wondering for the second time today. Did he feel so hoplessly lost that he decided to end it all?

Yes.

I remembered how he cried, and I was painfully reminded of my episode on the stairs. When in pain, everyone had their similarities.

I remembered earlier that day, looking down at the shattered chair and wondering if I could jump. I couldn't then...

But I could now. Now that T-...Four had made it clear how useless I was. Now that I was completely alone. Now that there was nothing left for me.

It would be unfair to Caleb, but Caleb had already gone through the necessary thinking to prepare himself if I died. He'd done it when I went to Dauntless, he could do it again.

Could I even think that it would be unfair to Four if I jumped? No. Not after the elevator. He could go through with being factionless now; lead the revolution with his mother.

Things would be okay.

I pushed myself up, whimpering in pain. It was only a few short feet to the edge... I could make it.

I wobbled to the roof ledge and looked up. The sky was nearly dark, colored with deep pinks and purples. The buildings of the city are just dark masses on the horizon. A faint wind blows.

I could just let myself fall. Keep looking up until it all went black. That would be the selfish way to do it.

I wondered about Al. Did he just fall over the side? Did he jump?

I would jump, I decided. That was the Dauntless way to go.

I walked back a few steps, then faced the ledge. Enough to get a running leap in.

I braced myself, then let go, soaring to the edge of the building.

In the split second before I leaped, my parents' images suddenly flashed in front of my eyes, and I cried out. What was I doing? This was the selfish way. My parents wouldn't have wanted this.

But there were many things they wouldn't have wanted. It was too late. I was already airborne.

I closed my eyes, there wouldn't be time to cry.

Then suddenly, something grabbed my ankle. I slammed down into the pavement on the very edge of the roof, knocked breathless for a second time.

I could feel the concrete biting into my skin. There was blood, I could smell it, feel it in my mouth. I couldn't move yet.

Then I became aware of someone's ragged sobbing behind me. Something still clutched desperately onto my foot.

"Tris..." The voice cried brokenly, panting like it was out of breath.

_Tobias._

I couldn't make my body or brain react. The familiar burning pain began, inside and out.

Tobias' grip on my foot loosened, and I heard him crawl up beside me. His hand rested on my back a moment, then he rolled me over.

He looked awful; eyes red from crying, sweat soaking his shirt, nose dripping.

"Tris..." He said again, searching my face. I could do nothing more than look at him blankly. His face slowly crumpled and he began to sob, burying his face in the fabric covering my stomach.

I realize that all of a sudden I was crying too. Not the scary crying of the stairwell, but my usual silent tears.

"I didn't realize that my words would have such an effect on you," Tobias said. "I'm so sorry." I remained silent.

The sun set, and I could no longer see Tobias' outline, only feel the weight of his head on my lower abdomen. The cold wind hit us, and I shivered.

Tobias took the hint and pulled himself together, picking me up gently and carrying me to the open door of the stairwell. Once inside he set me down to lean against the wall and shut the door, the stairlights throwing his face into sharp contrast.

"What you did was stupid." He said bluntly. I just looked at him. Tobias looked even more haggard in this light.

Slowly, he knelt down, straddling my outstretched legs. He brought his hand up and caressed my cheek, then every so slowly, brushed our lips together.

"Please..." He whispered. "That's not the way."

I rested my good hand on his chest, realizing as the raw skin made contact with the material of his shirt that maybe it wasn't so good.

"I felt so alone." I said, not meaning it to sound like an excuse.

"We're all alone." He replied.

"You have a mother and father at least." I said acidly. "Even if you hate each other."

"I-"

"You didn't have to shoot your best friend and break your other best friend's heart."

"Tris, I-"

"You didn't have to watch the only person you've ever loved destroy life as we know it!"

"But-"

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WATCH YOUR PARENTS DIE!" Tris said, suddenly realizing that she was screaming. "YOU CHOSE TO LEAVE THEM! YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE THEM ANYWAY!"

Tobias looked like he'd been slapped.

"Your brother-"

"We were never close. Abnegation has a way of doing that."

"Tris, please."

"Please, what?"

"Please stop." Tobias whispered. I saw the hurt that I was feeling mirrored in his eyes. I looked away, biting my lip then wincing as I realized it was already split. Blood was still polluting my mouth.

"We aren't the same and no one can feel the way you feel." Tobias said heavily. "But I think everyone's done enough damage today. Let's go back to our room and rest. You and I will talk tomorrow."

"We don't have a room."

"We will now. They wanted us to mobilize, but you don't look in good enough shape to go anywhere."

I opened my mouth to retort, but winced in pain instead. Tobias gave me a look and then picked me up once more, beginning the descent down the stairs. I burrowed my face in his neck.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. Then the rhythm of his gait lulled me to sleep.


End file.
